About Me

I'm just an average person doing what I can.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Bothersome Dream

Okay, okay... no more joking around. Here's my bothersome thing for today:

Last night, I had this dream...

I was a psychologist, I had my Ph. D. and everything and I was consulting with a patient. I don't remember exactly what I told her, but I know that I was helping her with a problem she had at home. Something that was making her sad all the time, something that seemed to take away her light. Something that deprived her of sleep and made her wish that she was robbed of life.

So I gave her advice.

And then she took it.

And then she killed herself.

So I failed at what I was supposed to do. I failed at helping this poor troubled girl that reminded me so much of myself that I refused to become attached. And so because I acted indifferently and gave my advice with no real emotion behind it, with no empathy, with no feeling.... she died. She died because of me.

And I knew then that I would never succeed at what I am set to become.

And I had this sneaking suspicion that maybe... just maybe... I have once again chosen that topic or task that is too far beyond my comprehension and skill. And once again, I have set myself up to fail. And I thought that maybe... just maybe.... every decision I have made in my life has set myself up for this, that everything I have done has led to one last failure. Every decision only spiraling me down toward one final point in time when things get to be too much too soon and my sanity no longer roots me to reality.

Maybe.

I hope not.

~Lema

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